


Between Breaths

by oldestcharm



Series: Smuggler!verse [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Gen, M/M, Smuggler Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 10:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27469378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldestcharm/pseuds/oldestcharm
Summary: Ben wants to stop feeling as though he's drowning, so he makes a bold choice.
Relationships: Chewbacca & Ben Solo, Leia Organa & Ben Solo & Han Solo, Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Smuggler!verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006980
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Between Breaths

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idrilhadhafang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/gifts).



> God, I was supposed to write this thing for idrilhadhafang in _July_! Oh well, it's here now and I'm excited to write the next 6 in the Smuggler!verse. This will get _fun_!

There is a voice in his head and it's making him anxious. It's there when he sleeps, it's there when he's awake. His hands are shaking and he doesn't want to _think_. He sees the looks on his fellow student's faces, the worry on his uncle's. It's like he's drowning, he can't breathe and sometimes he finds himself spaced out in the middle of nowhere.

Sometimes he hears other voices too. Whenever he's near someone and they're particularly emotional, thinking so so loud. These days he wants to curl up in a cold dark room and just not exist. He doesn't get that opportunity very often, because there's always something to do and focusing on the Force just makes it worse.

There's also the accidents and that is what scares him the most. He's too close to everything and when it gets overwhelming, his outbursts are both unexpected and ever so dangerous. So he makes up his mind and has a conversation with Luke.

"I'm losing it, uncle. I keep hearing them." He taps at his head. "Him, you and everyone else."

Luke nods, calm and composed, waiting him out. His gaze is intense and unnerving. Ben looks away, staring at his trembling hands instead.

"He keeps talking to me. I know he wants me on the dark side."

"And what do you want, Ben?" Luke asks, his voice sympathetic.

"It's not really about what I want, but I think I need to leave," Ben says, glancing up at him, encouraged by his tone. "I need to leave so he'll leave me alone."

Luke just looks at him and wraps an arm around his shoulders. It's strangely comforting. "Ben, I wouldn't ask for anything other than you to be happy. You don't need to become a Jedi or a Sith. You can do anything you want."

"I don't really know what I want," Ben admits, twisting his fingers together. "I never thought I had a choice in the matter."

"Of course you have a choice," Luke says and squeezes his shoulder. "The galaxy is big enough for all of us, don't limit yourself to family tradition or other people's expectations."

"You really think they wouldn't mind?" Ben asks, hesitant.

"Your dad would be thrilled," Luke says with a wry smile and Ben snorts out a laugh.

"What about mom?" he asks, chewing anxiously on his lip.

"She'll come around," Luke assures him and pats him on the shoulder. "Just focus on something you enjoy."

Ben nods and then looks around the room, at all his things, his calligraphy set, his lightsaber.

Luke follows his gaze and smiles. "Keep your lightsaber. You don't have to shut yourself off from Force entirely."

Ben's strangely grateful for that advice.

*

With Luke's blessing, he leaves the Jedi temple. He's pleased to find out that Luke was right about his dad's overwhelming approval. His mom's not far behind, even suggesting he get involved with politics. Ben's horrified at the thought, but he makes an attempt anyway. It backfires so spectacularly in just one meeting that Leia nearly shoos him out of the building with a barely hidden smile. Ben thinks he's at least proved his point.

His attempts at finding out what he really enjoys aren't exactly fruitful, but he knows he likes shooting blasters, likes fighting with his lightsaber, likes flying. He likes the freedom to go anywhere he likes and do whatever he wants. It's all very different from spending days just meditating, so he considers his options.

Poe suggests he join him in flight training, but Ben's already come accustomed to his new lifestyle, so he turns him down as kindly as he can. Ben knows he's disappointed, but he has no doubt that Poe understands it's not because of him.

"Hey kid, want to come on board?" Han asks one day after Leia's finished relaying the story of the meeting.

Ben smiles, amused. "Why not? I need to try out every family occupation, don't I?"

Chewie makes a noise and Leia buries her face in her hands.

"Right on!" Han agrees cheerfully.

"Are you sure about this, darling?" Leia asks, looking just a little skeptical.

Ben just shrugs.

*

When he tells Poe he looks genuinely surprised. Ben's not entirely sure what is so strange about this, but Poe doesn't seem judgmental in the slightest, so he'll deal.

"Really?" Poe asks, more curious than anything.

"Yeah. I know this is going to sound insane but out of all three of them, his choice of career is the safest. For me anyway. I don't really trust myself with any kind of power."

Poe seems to consider this, then smiles. "Will I see you more often?"

"Probably. My dad's delighted about this, so I think I get to ask a lot of favors and you're—" Ben flashes a smile. "You're certainly one of them."

Poe's cheeks turn decidedly pink.

*

It turns out he's made the right choice. Traveling with Han and Chewie is the most fun he's had in a long long time. It gets a little much sometimes as it always does with family, but his dad is kind enough to drop him off at places for a while. He visits his mom, Luke and Poe, excited to see them all.

Sometimes the voice in his head returns, but it's different now. It's sour and resentful, and Ben can't help but feel smug about having thwarted his plans.

He's got his whole life ahead of him and he doesn't feel like drowning anymore.


End file.
